So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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