Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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