im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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