My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
