Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
