I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I only lived at night.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
