Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
