Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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