Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
