Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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