**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
