We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
