Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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