My sheets look like a crime scene.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
