Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I see more hoeing in ur future
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