so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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