all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
