Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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