To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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