Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
