I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
