Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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