went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize