The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
