hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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