Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
