Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
