Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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