Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
