I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
