totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
