I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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