Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
