ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
