I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
