i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
