My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
