I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
