I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
God, I missed his penis.
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