I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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