So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
