i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
