She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
