Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize