Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
