Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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