my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
