Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize