Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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