her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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