thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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