my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
