he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
