We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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