If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
