if i can run in heels then i can drive
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
