Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
