party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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