Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
